I am beginning a more intentional journey with Jesus. A journey involving quiet, silence, sitting, and simply trying to be more present with God. A passive spirituality that somehow seems more active than I thought it would. The activity of inactivity takes a lot more practice than I anticipated. Because God is acting and present with me at all times truly passive spirituality is not really a thing. Even the passive work of sitting in the quiet before God seems both passive and wildly active all at once.
Since our world is so fast-paced, it can feel a bit like withdrawal to sit in silence. My mind always wants to focus on something. My mind races whether I want it to or not. Stimulation is the chosen drug of our age and I am not the exception. In the silence you're confronted with reality and must face it.
In silence you are not quieting reality through mindless consumption but are strengthening your ability to be present through mindful participation with God. You are filling your mind with God instead of emptying your mind of everything. Christian contemplation is not an emptying but a filling and empowering that comes from God's presence.
Though it is wonderful, it is not easy.
On Sunday morning I was sitting in the dark sanctuary in silence - outer silence but in my mind thoughts were racing in every direction. They all seemed to want to win the award that is holding my attention all while I was trying to combat my mind to focus on God. Over and over. The time of silence quickly turned into me constantly attempting to reorient my wandering mind.
I heard on a podcast not long ago Rich Villodas say something like this: "If, in prayer, your mind wanders 100 times you are blessed with 100 opportunities to return once again to God." I'm sure I butchered the quote, but the idea still stands as counter to the way I have always thought about prayer. A wandering mind in prayer always seemed like a failure. Yes, it is something that will become easier to harness over years of practice, but a wandering mind is not failure or something to be feared.
While I was in seminary we practiced contemplative prayer, which is what I am beginning to journey alongside Christ with, and I did not ever feel the sense of peace and openness to it. I heard things like: "Just let your thought pass you by." But I have never heard of a wandering mind as a blessing to return to the Father.
A wandering mind is not failure because prayer is not a performance. Prayer is practicing the presence of Jesus. Prayer is communing with Christ. Prayer is intentionally setting aside time to bring your focus to God. Even in our wandering mind we are practicing His presence.
This is why it is called spiritual "practicing" and not spiritual "performances." Jesus wants our hearts, not just our perfection. Jesus doesn't want us to earn our salvation, but to sit in the peace and grace and love that He has willingly poured out on each of us. This takes time. This takes practice. This takes intentionality.
Even though my time of quiet was filled with inner chaos I still felt more connected when the time concluded. I was reminded what Pastor Trey VanCamp says often, "It's not about marking off tallies for God but marking out time with God." This is profoundly helpful to remember when I am struggling through the practices of Jesus and not feeling like it is effortless.
But as Dallas Willard said, "Grace is not opposed to effort, it is opposed to earning."
In this coming year, let us be a people who put in the time and energy to sit with God - not trying to earn our salvation but trying to open ourselves to His presence.
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